London Bus Driver -

bonesworshipAI and Robotics

Nov 14, 2013 (3 years and 11 months ago)

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London Bus Driver
-
Sofia’s First Abuse Consultant
.


By Patrick Brigham
.






Norman Dodston

is visiting Sofia as a consultant. But he is unusual
in the fact that by profession he is a London Transport bus
-
driver. In
order to keep Sofia in line with changes in European transport trends, he
has been sent to Sofia by the Walworth Bus Depot. His mis
sion is to
improve the level of verbal abuse, which Sofia bus drivers will have to
adopt, in order to be recognized by their counterparts in the EU. We
interviewed Mr. Dodston lying sprawled on a park bench in Battenberg
Square, surrounded by empty beer ca
ns. With uncompromising passion,
he explained how he would try to change Sofia bus
-
drivers abuse
awareness.


Q.
What is the level of abuse like at present in Sofia?


N
orman
D
odston
. Its f*****
* pathetic. There are a*** h***s

driving
their cars all over the road, and Sofia bus
-
drivers don’t say a f******
thing!


Q.
What do they do then?


N
orman
D
odston
.

Well you might see the odd middle finger retort, but
somehow it lacks the imagination we all have, working for f******
London Transport.


Q.
How do you hope to improve their level of abuse?


N
orman
D
odston
.

Well for a start there must be no more of this n
amby
-
pamby Mediterranean gesticulation. That’s out of date. What they have
got to

learn, is to stick their head

out of the dri
vers cab, and say things
like: ‘
What are you going to do for a face when King Kong wants his arse
back
?


As far as I am concerned, this is the minimum level of verbal
abuse required, and it usually does the trick! How they react, is basically
irrevalant [sic].



Q.
What in your opinion is the difference between London and Sofia?


N
orman
D
odston
. Well in
London you can say what you f****** well
like, because it is a free c
ountry, isn’t it? If some w****r

wants to give
me some grief, I just let them have it.


Q.
Are you going to have a seminar?


N
orman
D
odston
.

Yes we have booked the Grand Hotel Sofia for a

week,
and myself and two colleagues; Ron and Dean
-

known in London as
Gobby Gutheridge and Scar faced Lil, respectively
-

will perform virtual
reality events, recommending an appropriate retort for the circumstance
portrayed. We call it verbal abuse mana
gement.


Q.
What examples can you give us?


N
orman
D
odston
.

Well my favorite is stopping my bus in the middle of
Piccadilly Circus, getting out of my cab
-

shouting at the traffic generally
-

and then banging my fist on the bonnet of the nearest Roller, and sayin
g
things like: ‘Who the f*****g

hell do you think yo
u are; you toffee nosed
bastard,

don’t flash your lights at me.’

Then I usually rip off one of their
windscreen wipers. But, only if I am in a good mood.


Q.
How many bus drivers will be attending your seminar?


N
orman
D
odston
.

Well all of them

I think
. Granted Sofia will be a bit
chaotic for a week, but it’s all in a good cause. Its part of joining Europe,
en it?


Q.
What does your family do in London?


N
orman
D
odston
. Well my lady wife is drunk most of the time, so I don’t
know what she
gets up to
. Bu
t my son Errol
-

who’s got two ‘O’ Levels
-

is
hoping to become a diplomat!