Funnies - 25 Percent ME Group

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17 Νοε 2013 (πριν από 3 χρόνια και 6 μήνες)

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Humour Page



Voice Recognition Howlers



Good voice recognition software is a fantastic tool enabling me to talk what I want the computer to
write. It sometimes has difficulty recognising the difference between I, she, he, they
, you and some
other sounds so it can get very confusing. I think It should come with some warnings and disclaimers
as this can also leave you ending up totally exhausted from laughing so much at how wrong it can go,
losing friends, or possibly on the wr
ong end of a lawsuit. The speech/cognitive difficulties that come
with ME also contribute to the fun.



I honestly think Freud must have had a hand in its creation as well. One of the words it will not
recognise for me consistently or reliably is carers pr
eferring to call them killers. I am not sure which is
right really in some cases!



Some of my friends use voice recognition and when we talk on messenger some very interesting
conversations can arise.



Take the time my friend was telling me that she wasn
't feeling well at all but wasn't quite sure what
was wrong..... I very sympathetically told her that she didn't sound good and it seemed to me like the
final fling!..... What I was trying to say was a viral thing.



When we were discussing the problems w
e were having while eating and how difficult it can be to
manoeuvre the cutlery without losing the food before you get it into your mouth. Heather asked me
what it was like using angled cutlery opposed to the straight ones.


She did not expect the answer

she got which was..... “It means I can get my foot in my mouth much more easily and without spilling
most of it before it gets there, they are definitely worth it”. But the image cheered her up no end.



I have also got into bother when communicating
with people from the prayer group. When I informed
them of a very impotent situation instead of an important one, or when I asked them to pay for
negotiations taking place on my behalf instead of asking them to pray... I think many enjoyed my
mistakes. Per
haps I could make my fortune that way.



I will always remember writing an e
-
mail to some members of the 25% prayer group. I am just glad
that for once when I read it I spotted the mistake before hitting send. I had asked the computer to type
God bless you

both. Unfortunately what appeared in writing was.... God blow your balls off!
----

Some
say its my Scottish accent.!



Another few classics in conversations we shared were



It sounds like you've got iraq together........ (your act).



I've just finished
eating my connectors ... (cornetto).



undressed looks good …....... that dress looks good.



I attacked the photo...... I have attached a photo.



He thinks he might have scratched his eye so is popping down to cattle trade to let them have a
look........
. (casualty).












Night Watchman



Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a dessert. Then government
said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position and

hired a person for the job.



Then government said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So
they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the
instructions and one person to do time studies.



Then governmen
t said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks
correctly?" So they created a Quality Control position and hired two people, one to
do the studies and one to write the reports.



Then government said, "How are these people going to get pai
d?" So they created
the following positions, a timekeeper and a payroll officer and hired two people.



Then government said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"



So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin.

Officer, an Assistant
Admin. Officer and a Legal Secretary.



Then government said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are
£18,000,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.








Braveheart




One warm night in August, my cat Callisto popped out for her usual tour of my mother’s
garden. As I was tired,

I
forgot that I had left open the dining room window in the bungalow.
Not long after I heard a tremendous thud from the dining r
oom. The cat had come back in
but she wasn’t alone! She raced past the bathroom door with a furry object in her mouth
which she promptly dropped when she spotted me. The furry object was very much alive and
shot into my bedroom at tremendous speed closel
y followed by Callisto.



I raced in to see what on earth the cat had so thoughtfully brought into the house. All I could
see was Callisto running around under the bed but oddly I could hear a loud clicking. With
as much agility as I could muster at 10
pm, I got down on the floor to find myself being
looked at face to face by a common shrew.



I got my mum out of her warm bed and the next hour was spent with the four of us chasing
each other around the bedroom. I was armed with gardening gloves and a
large container in
which I hoped I might capture the poor wee thing. But the shrew was too fast for slow ME
-
me, despite Callisto doing her best to chase it towards me.



Shrews are small, frenetic, pretty aggressive creatures rushing around, needing to f
eed all the
time. However, for some strange historical reason no doubt, we use the term ‘shrew’ in the
English language as a derogatory term for women. However, contrary to the English
language, the shrew I saw in my room was one of the bravest creatures

I’ve ever seen. It
valiantly stood up for itself, defending itself against the cat and me with loud, high
-
pitched
squeaks and clicks.



Whilst its aim was to get away and hide, it never gave in to being chased and attacked the cat
back as best it could
. Callisto was quite clearly shocked by this response and in the end she
flopped out under the bed with exhaustion
-

never mind me, my mum or the shrew! It finally
escaped into the living room and I do hope it managed to get out as it certainly deserved
a
second chance. Needless to say, Callisto seems to be giving shrews rather a wide berth now
and I always keep the dining room window closed when she goes out!



From Selina L Hill